Friday, February 13, 2015

Where is that tiny violin?

Overwhelmed.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm floating anymore and that the waves are getting a bit much to handle.  The funny ironic thing is the waves haven't changed.  It might be a bit of burnout.  I find it hard right now to rouse myself sufficiently to check blood sugars at night.  I feel my insides groan at the number when it is high and I need to do a shot and I have an internal argument about whether he'd be okay without the shot.  Or I groan when it is low and know the struggle I'll have getting him to have some fast acting sugar to raise it.  It might be that we have dealt with high numbers for a bit now and it is taking a toll on my psyche.  I hate how it makes Sugar Bear feel and his personality can be pretty challenging when he feels crummy.  The Lantus change has helped a bit so we are not running in the high 200s and low 300s anymore but he still typically wakes high and tends to still be out of range at lunch.  Evenings are a bit better, he is in range for snacks and dinner and even midnight.  So maybe half the day is fine and the other half.....I just want a break.  A break from diabetes.  It is so consuming.  Going grocery shopping I read label after label checking carbs and sodium and calories.  Going to visit friends or an outing to the Y or even just to take Sugar Bear on an errand with us requires extra planning and preparation.  If he falls asleep at an unusual time my heart skips a beat and runs through the last blood glucose check and last time he ate and last shot of insulin and check his breathing.  I read books and more books and websites on research and and and try to figure out the next plan of attack.  How do I make this better?  How do I keep him safe and healthy?  How do I take care of everyone?  Maybe this is just caregiver's burnout.  I 've been doing this a long time!  Double knee replacements done at the same time on my husband in 2009 and then he was declared permanently disabled after that.  I help him put socks on, trim his nails, help him get his shirt and jacket on, wash the back of his hair, make food, etc....I love him dearly and would do all of that and more but sometimes I get overwhelmed.  Today, Drago missed yet another day of school because he is feeling crappy, so we're headed to the doctor.  My life seems to revolve around doctor appointments.  I know rationally that things can always be worse and I try to hold on to hope with a white knuckled grip.  Today I just feel a bit overwhelmed.  Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I would love nothing better than to have someone watch the boys for a few hours so I could reconnect with my beloved around something besides the next crises.  Too many variables prevent that from happening, from the fact that Drago is sick to the always Sugar Bear and his needs.  Outside of family that doesn't live near us, we have no one that is willing to take that on.  So cry me a river, play me some blues, and just get through the "oh poor me" stage.  I know, I really do, that there are others that have it way worse (thanks Mom for drilling that into my head as a child), but maybe sometimes all I need is a pity party, a hug, and some space to feel what I feel.

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