Turn

I keep meaning to write. I've composed easily half a dozen posts in the last approximately two weeks. But life just keeps getting in my way, and then those posts vanish from my cluttered mind. It's beautiful out. Birds are singing. There is green grass and flowers and buds on trees. But we haven't really enjoyed it. I hope to remedy that. It is after all a new season. Time for some good changes. I have the flu. I know, a non-sequitur but still somehow relevant. I woke up miserable Thursday morning. I tried to work but ended up heading to my doc to find out what was going on. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. Flu. Let's give you a shot, zpac, and some medicated cough syrup and see if that helps. Nurse Nan came in to do my shot. She is the beautiful gentle nurse that drew Drago's blood a month and a day ago. I rolled up my sleeve. Oh no this goes in your hip. Well okay. This is going to burn. Oh my goodness did it burn. It didn't just burn. It hurt. It hurt A Lot. And I felt like a wimp. My boys get 4-8 shots a day! A day. And sometimes maybe even more "voluntarily" because it is a special day like today and they want a little extra treat even though they already had a shot and then have to have another. And rarely do they say it hurts. The night I came home from the doc having almost fainted I went to give Sugar Bear his Lantus. I don't know why it didn't go right and wouldn't dispense the insulin but he cried out and I removed the shot but still had to put it in a different spot and finish injecting. He was crying. I was crying. And then...and then...sigh...I had to go give Drago his. All shook up. I've not been comfortable with needles but I felt like I was better. I don't get nauseous or lightheaded anymore after giving a shot. I used to have to lay down for a moment. It's been more than a year since I've felt like that. And now every shot I give again I second guess myself. I pause. I hold my breath again. My hands shake. I count. A mother is supposed to be comfort not pain. It's not natural to voluntarily hurt your babies. It's not normal to check to see if your child is "just asleep" or passing out. I look for moments where type 1 hasn't changed us. But honestly those moments are extremely rare. We are continually changing Drago's Lantus dose. He hasn't had but a handful of nights since diagnosis where he hasn't gone low at midnight or 3am. He's eating/drinking roughly 20-60g of carbs each night just to wake up on the low end of his range. He's still in the honeymoon phase so changes have to be gradual. We have to give each change time to work before deciding it's not. It feels like experimenting. It feels wrong but the alternative could be worse. So slow and steady and vigilant. And Sugar Bear, he's almost constantly running high and it feels like we never seem to catch up. So last night found me giving Sugar Bear a shot at midnight, sleepy, holding my breath, and then helping Drago at 3am with a "sticky" low. A low that liked to keep dropping even after two juices and crackers. And I'm sick. And tired. And a holiday in the morning. It didn't matter. I still needed to check Drago at 5am and by 6am I just couldn't go back to sleep. Too many worries I guess. So when 8am rolled around I couldn't wait for the boys to get up and see their baskets. The bunny had brought them each Dragon kites and bubbles and Avenger pins and chocolate eggs and bunny crackers and and and. They didn't want to wake up. It was slow going. But when they did they were pretty happy. We decided an outing on this gorgeous day to fly kites was in order, but first breakfast (and BS checks and insulin) and showers (only if it's been at least an hour since injecting insulin) and then it was lunch time (and BS checks and insulin shots) so it was close to 2pm before we were able to "go fly a kite". But it was worth it. Sugar Bear said it was "awesome" and Drago said his favorite part of the day was being with family. That's not to say it was easy or even "normal" but it was us. Flaws and all. One of the dragon kites didn't have all it's pieces (it was missing the handle, we improvised with one of the old insulin pens), Sugar Bear and Drago had a couple of spats on the drive there (and right when we were leaving), Sugar Bear only brought one chocolate egg for the 3pm snack but Drago brought two, bubbles are messy and sticky, and nobody wants Mom to take pictures, but we flew kites, we played, we laughed, we smiled, and Sugar Bear and I snuggled laying on the Spring ground feeling the Earth warming up, while Drago and hubby wrapped up the box kite that we've had for years but never brought out with the kids. Perspective, it's what everything is about. Some days it's easy to keep perspective and then other times it doesn't matter what you do it won't be there. Like blood glucose numbers, when Sugar Bear has a 130 something at midnight I feel relief. That is a number we can sleep on. But when Drago has a 130 at midnight, I worry. It inevitably means he'll be low at 3am. Perspectives. To everything (turn, turn, turn) There is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose, under Heaven