Just the Beginning

We dropped hubby at the airport yesterday, went grocery shopping, had dinner, played games, and things seemed to be going well until I said it was bedtime.  I gave the bedtime snack, the lantus and BS was in range.  But we had a meltdown.  Both of us.  I was tired and not as patient as I should have been.  We both ended up in tears.  I was crying because Sugar Bear was blaming himself for my exhaustion and saying things like it would have been better had he never been born.  It makes me tear up now saying it.  I held him.  I told him over and over that we love him and would do anything we could for him.  He said he hates his diabetes.  We talked about how it was uninvited and nothing could have prevented it.  How we're not going to let it beat us down but that sometimes it'll be hard.  That we can get through it.  I hate it too.  I told him if I could take it away I would.  I would gladly have it so he didn't.  It's so hard watching my baby grapple with an issue that grown ups would have trouble tackling.  It breaks my heart that I can't just kiss it and make it all better.  I know it'll get "easier" and more "routine" and eventually he'll be the one trying to keep it all in control, but he's only 9.

Before I had kids I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  I had surgeries for it.  I went to support groups in another city.  I started my own support group here.  And it wasn't a life threatening disease. It caused pain, yes.  There were diet changes I made voluntarily.  It was my choice to make me feel better but it wouldn't have killed me if I hadn't.  I was an adult.  I struggled with it.  I hated it.  I cried over it.  I "fixed" it.  I had kids; I had a surgery that for all intents and purposes, put me in remission for over a decade.  But it wasn't Type 1 Diabetes and I wasn't a child looking at a lifetime of shots and blood sugar checks and carb counting before I eat.  343 times we've tested his BS and given 168 shots since we came home on New Year's Day in the evening.  And that is just the beginning.

Tonight we'll go to a friends for dinner.  Sketti.  Sugar Bear likes it plain with Parmesan.  One cup cooked is 44g.  He'll probably have two cups.  He'll play.  We'll test.  We'll give a shot.  We'll live.